photo by Gabriela Camerotti

Already this morning there have been several occasions that have caused me, shall we say, “angst.” My normal reaction is to simply categorize the entire day as “ugh” and chuck the notion that I can pull something positive out of it.

Not sure if it’s the fact that I learned of 2 women in my circle of acquaintances who passed away on Valentine’s Day – and both were only in their 50’s.

Or that as I ended the day last night I received word of a woman in our church who is burying her husband today. He decided to end his own life last week, essentially abandoning his wife and their 2 daughters.

Some of my feelings of angst could stem from the fact that my Wee Bubbs was up all kinds of wacky hours throughout the night, including a constant fuss / cry time from 4:15 to 5:45…with a reprieve of about a half-hour before he was up for the day.

Not sure if it’s because it’s Wednesday, which is usually a day I look forward to because my mom’s group has scheduled events on Wednesday’s. But not this particular Wednesday. Which means a day entirely of just me and the children. No friends, no distractions, no preschool time for Bubbs, no “coffee talk” for me.

But I’m turning it around. I will not let the screaming, crying, fussing, grief, head-shaking questions, frustration, and general angst plague the next 12 hours with my children and spouse.

It won’t come naturally but I will put effort into keeping my voice at a loving tone, instead of reactions I will try controlled responses, keep my touch on a gentle and even keel.

As much as I’d like to stow away to a bookstore and hide myself in a big chair with a hat on and a good read in front of me, I can’t. There are plenty of other mom’s out there who “escape” from their families on days like today, in one way or another, and I won’t do it today. I’ve done it in the past and there is nothing good that comes out of it.

But as I journey these days with Jesus, I am thankfully reminded that I am not expected to do this life with my own tenacity, willpower, strength, resolve, focus. Yes, those are all important things, but I have learned over the years that the more I strive to find those things within myself the more I realize how much I need Jesus. Because I just can’t do it alone. The more I look to ME, the less joy I have in my day.

It’s a sunny day out, one still filled with promise, love and laughter. That is my hope for today.