As I drove home from class tonight, I found myself thinking the same thoughts as last time. The houses look different now than they did 3 hours ago. What’s going on in there? It looks peaceful, safe, clean on the outside…but is it? Is there a child there? Are they loved? Are they paid attention to?
Then my thoughts begin to doubt again. Can we really do this? There are so many unknowns. Today was an emotionally draining day for me. I had a headache. I lost my temper with the boys…more than once.
I can see the child’s face in the review mirror. I can imagine their presence at our dining room table. I can see them playing with my boys in the backyard. It’s becoming more of a reality with each class I take.
I’m beginning to think the word “just” should be removed from our vocabulary, at least when talking about a person. Nobody is “just” anything. I’m not “just” a homemaker, or “just” a stay-at-home mom. I’m not “just” a parent. I am in the process of “becoming” and I won’t be arriving at any of those things in their fullness…ever.
Hubbs and I have been on a journey of sorts since last summer. The desire to adopt or foster had been there at different times in our hearts, most recently before we found out we were pregnant with L. We had decided that adoption would be the direction we would go if a second pregnancy was not what God desired for us.
L is now 20 months old and while the days are tiring (exhausting, actually!) and the challenge of raising two young boys can be overwhelming, there is still a desire in both of us to do more with the blessings we have so graciously and abundantly been given.
There are many families in our midst who are hurting, in all kinds of ways. There are no easy solutions. No quick fixes. No “right” answers. And for those children in the painful situations, there is probably not a lot of hope.
The classes we have been taking are just part of the requirement to becoming a foster parent. As I finish up another class, a battle brews. I battle the desire to “just” live out life the way I know how, the way I had envisioned.
And then I battle the harsh reality of families in crisis and the hope that I believe I have to offer them with the love of Jesus. I know I can’t do this by myself, using just my own abilities, my own strength. That truth is painfully obvious on days like today when I could barely hold it together as a mom. I am impatient. I say unloving and unkind things. I get angry too quickly. I do not show love in my actions.
I am so thankful that is not “just” who I am, though. I am a work in progress, as we all are. I may be impatient at times, but I listen to my boy as he points out every little creature on the page and tells me their correct names…for the 100th time.
I may say unloving things, but I also strive for peace and reconciliation when I do. Then I follow it up with loving words, big hugs, wrestling on the living room floor and laughter.
I am becoming…my family is becoming….
Hubbs and I are hoping we can get through the classes by this summer and to be able to say
“Welcome. Come into our home. Sit at our table. Sleep in peace. Relax in safety. Laugh with hope.”
Image credit: Microsoft Photo Gallery