2:15am – I hear L wake up, rock him for a bit, lay with him in his bed for 45 minutes

4am – I’m still not asleep; thankfully everyone else is

5am – L wakes up and is in our bed

5:30am – D is awake and is in our bed

6:30am – up for the day with 2 high-energy boys

9am – leave for the library; all is quiet until check-out time; I have to hold L as he screams his head off…in the library

10am – arrive at Target; L’s screaming begins again

10:15am – L’s screaming continues, regardless of my insistence otherwise, regardless of me holding him, letting him walk, giving him something to drink, letting him play with the toys – loud, obnoxious screaming

10:30am – escaping Target with the tears on the rims of my eyes and my head desperately trying to convince my heart to not be concerned at the stares of other adults, the laughter of the teenage girls

10:45am – a phone call to a friend after letting the tears loose while sitting in the car with 2 boys, 1 of whom is finally quiet with a blanket stuffed in his mouth

Encouragement and counsel received. Deep breath taken. An apology to D that the trip to Costco will have to wait. Time to get food and go home, where the chaos will undoubtedly continue but without the stares of others.

11am – turn car on, hear this on the radio, more tears flow

Better Than A Halleljuah, by Amy Grant

God loves a lullaby
In a mother’s tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

11:15am – driving to get food, parked at a drive-thru window, L’s screaming begins again and then I hear “Strong Enough” by Matthew West.

You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through

Well forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time.

Thankful for friends. Thankful for my boys. Thankful that I don’t have to find the strength “inside” myself somewhere.

Thankful that my living, loving God cares for me in everything I do, even in my moments of frustration and weakness.

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