It’s days like these that I don’t have to wonder why some mom’s choose to work outside the home.
It’s days like these that make me doubt the saying “It all goes by in the blink of an eye!”
It’s days like these that I fall far short of my own definition of what a “good mother” is.
It’s days like these that I can’t help but be thankful for my supportive, hands-on husband.
It’s days like these that my secret stash of chocolate gets me through to the next hour.
It’s days like these that I’m thankful we live in a sunny climate.
It’s days like these that I MUST remember the bigger picture of my family’s life and trust that there is a purpose in the chaos during the day.
The day isn’t over. There’s more opportunity for hugs rather than shouts, for kisses rather than tears, for laughter rather than anger.
photo courtesy of MSOffice Photo Gallery
excerpt from my journal entry dated July 8, 2011
I finally made the call this morning. I’m not sure what finally convinced me to do so, but it’s done. I went ahead and ordered the birth control pills, praying and hoping that my emotions, weight gain, headaches and hot flashes will soon dissipate, preferably before we go on our big trip to the mid-west in August!
I want to have confidence in the “natural” supplements I’m taking, the “natural” progesterone cream I’m using, the diet changes, the exercise changes. The problem is there really is no way to know what part of that is working, what part isn’t working, and worse – what part might be doing more harm than good, most especially the progesterone cream. One quick look online and the “risks” of not doing it exactly “right” can cause some serious issues down the road.
I am sweating at nearly every turn. I’m not able to get adequate sleep, even when my children are resting. I’m not able to keep my emotions in check, most especially around my boys. I’m not able to focus on the many responsibilities that face me each day. I’ve heard the term “brain fog” as a symptom of menopause and that describes it perfectly for me!
2:15am – I hear L wake up, rock him for a bit, lay with him in his bed for 45 minutes
4am – I’m still not asleep; thankfully everyone else is
5am – L wakes up and is in our bed
5:30am – D is awake and is in our bed
6:30am – up for the day with 2 high-energy boys
9am – leave for the library; all is quiet until check-out time; I have to hold L as he screams his head off…in the library
10am – arrive at Target; L’s screaming begins again
10:15am – L’s screaming continues, regardless of my insistence otherwise, regardless of me holding him, letting him walk, giving him something to drink, letting him play with the toys – loud, obnoxious screaming
10:30am – escaping Target with the tears on the rims of my eyes and my head desperately trying to convince my heart to not be concerned at the stares of other adults, the laughter of the teenage girls
You know the feeling of being so excited to go somewhere, see something new, have good conversation, the kids will be happy, they’ll meet some new play pals, the coffee will be yummy, the sun is shining, the car is working, the sleep was bad, the morning was early (again), the older one is melting down, the cough is strong, the nose is running with a tissue not far behind, the kids are screaming, the tears are flowing, the kids are tearing apart library books, the kids know only how to disobey, the sun is still shining, the yelling has started, the “mommy monster” has arrived, the little one refuses to let me take his pj’s off (again), the phone calls have started, the discouragement has set in, the videos are quickly being destroyed, the chicken soup has been started, the final decision has been made, the wishful thinking has begun, the fight to feel hopeless or angry is creeping in at every angle, the request has been made for doing “art” and the lightbulb goes off in your head because 5 hours of being awake has finally led to something peaceful…for 10 minutes anyways?